I have been on a rather long unplanned break because, well, life happened. I was meant to start posting last week but unfortunately, my son fell ill which turned everything upside down. Then I fell ill, and then he fell ill again. But we are both doing well now.
My son was ill for a whole week and it was not an easy time for me. After the whole ordeal, when he returned to school I was so exhausted that my entire lower body was in pain. The funny thing is that I do not live alone. I live with my mom and three sisters but still, I was exhausted. I didn’t necessarily cook all his or my meals because I had a lot of help but I hardly sat the whole week and could barely sleep at night because I had to keep checking on him. Then there was the whole power issue too. AEDC una do well oh.
So I started thinking, this is me with only one child and loads of help but I am still this exhausted. Then how are single mothers who live alone or married women with no help doing it? Because even though you have a house help or a nanny, it is still not enough. Please how are you all doing it? How have you been able to keep yourself sane in the chaos of bringing up children especially those that are special needs or terminally ill?
Before I go on, I want to appreciate all mothers who sacrificially love and care for their children through exhaustion and the times when you do not think you can go on. To the mothers of special needs and terminally ill children, I appreciate you and you are amazing.
In our society, a good mother is perceived to be one who loses herself in caring for her children. Any mother who dares to do otherwise is deemed reckless and not worthy of the title. Society and culture have wired us that way to the point where we begin to accept it and feel guilty for wanting to be more than mothers.
On Mother’s Day, Diary of a Naija girl made a post where she asked “When did you realize your mother loved you?” I read a lot of beautiful and heart-wrenching stories in the comments. Stories of a mother’s great sacrifice for her children and even stories I have seen in my family and those around me.
This extreme sacrificial motherhood mindset hurts the mother and child relationship when children become more like an investment for the mothers. So when the child/children grow up they become indebted to their mothers. That is one of the reasons you may see a mother-in-law not liking her children’s spouse because they feel after suffering for their child, one spouse out of nowhere wants to come and reap where they did not sow (these claims are not based on research but experience).
Some time ago, I read a post on Instagram by @carolinejsumlin titled “How racism forced women to choose between personhood and motherhood”. In the post, she wrote about how she has set up boundaries for her daughters on how much time she spends with them so she can work. She homeschools them so when her husband gets back from work, he takes over and she gets to work. Her children were not happy about the situation and started whining. But she explained to them that Mommy needs to work. Even though her work wasn’t bringing in much money, it is important to her and they should get over it.
Ultimately, she is doing it for them as this sets a good example because she does not want to raise daughters who will lose themselves to motherhood.
When I read the post, I agreed with her but the cultural wiring in my head twitched and I was like, they did not ask to come to this world, you brought them and now you would rather work than care for them? But I knew that she was right. Even our Lord Jesus Christ took time off to refresh. Because how can you pour from an empty cup? God created you first as his child, not someone’s mother.
You are an individual with a purpose, desires, callings and dreams too. Quenching those dreams and desires will only lead to bitterness in the long run against the ones you love the most. So today I want you to know that YOU MATTER TOO and it’s important to choose you from time to time. I am not saying you should dump all your responsibilities or think about only yourself. But take out time to refresh, breathe and reevaluate your life. That way, you will be better able to care for your loved ones. You are not more important than your children neither are they more important than you, you are all equally important. So please dear mama, treat yourself right, be kind to you because you matter too.
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